Ignoring Valentine’s Day

I’m swearing off Valentine’s Day this year. And also the anniversary of my first date with Gator 28 years ago.

The past two years have had incidents to hurt me. The year before last was actually something that almost caused the end of my marriage to Gator.

This year I really wanted things to go well. I have two great men in my live that I love very much. However, there is conflict in our quad. Three of us are having problems getting along with the fourth one. I myself, finally stopped holding my tongue and voiced my thoughts. But the one says the other three of us are the ones with the problem.  I did point out that this one happened to be the common denominator with us all. Oh well.

Even a gift for me turned into an issue.

Now, I just want to pretend the day is not around the corner and ignore it when it gets here.

Someone said today that I have a lot of real experience in the poly lifestyle. True, we’ve been together for three years. But at least half of that has involved turmoil. Some major and some minor. Also true, that this can mostly be contributed to entering the poly world from years and years of living in the mono world. I get that thought processes and conditioning has to happen in a situation like this. And I’m thankful for all the good times I’ve had and all the love I’ve gotten and been able to give.

It’s just that, right now, I’m not sure where things are going with us. It already feels as if I’m more part of a V than a quad. I just can’t cultivate a relationship with someone I do not trust. I’m worried about individuals as well as the group as a whole. I see pain.

I see some repeat behaviors that are scary to me as well. Not just within our group.

I’m a bit down due to all that is going on within each relationship.

Apology

I’m sorry that my blog hasn’t been accessible for a couple of days. I made it private when parts if it were getting thrown in my face. I’ve never said anything I minded being known. Some things were being misconstrued. I was told that this wasn’t my fault and I should re-open my blog.

How Important Is Sex?

I’ve been reading an ongoing thread on a site I frequent that has me asking this question. How important is sex in a romantic relationship? Does the same hold true for poly relationships?

Contrary to the beliefs of the man who initiated this thread I’m referring to, I do know it is possible to love someone and not have sex with them. But isn’t that rare? In any romantic relationship, isn’t the urge for sex between the parties usually there? Whether or not it’s possible for that urge to be acted upon?

I have an online friend who is very happily married. Yet, he loves two other women. Unfortunately, circumstances are that he has to love them from afar so to speak. Would he like to have sex with them? Well, yes. Even without loving them, he is physically attracted to them. Loving them can only make his desire greater. However, not having a sexual relationship with them doesn’t make him love them less. So, while sex would be nice, in the friendship relationships he is able to have with these women, it isn’t a requirement for the love he has for them. I, myself, have never been in such a situation.

For my relationships? With Gator, sex has always been a prominent issue for us in one way or another. From dealing with sexual abuse in my past and how that affected my views on sexuality to wondering if we’d ever find a time when our sex drives matched to discovering we wanted to try some alternative lifestyles.

With Tech, our relationship started with sex. As I’ve explained before, we met swinging. The feelings of friendship, and later love, that we developed didn’t lessen my interest in having sex with him. It changed how I viewed sex with him. Instead of it being just casual and fun, it became more intimate and put me in vulnerable places.

Bottom line is I like sex. And I like it a lot. I’m not opposed to casual sex, swinging or anything along those lines. And I can participate, or not, in sex of that nature. But, sex with someone I love is different. Some would say it’s not sex at that point but ‘making love’. I find that both true and false. In one time of being with someone I love, I can do all of the following; make love, have just sex and flat-out fuck. And generally that’s how it is most of the time. Which order we do them in probably depends on what mood we are in or what each of us needs at the time.

I find sex with my men to be a time of reconnection if we’ve been distant or arguing. For me, an argument doesn’t mean ‘no sex’. More often than not, it is important for me to share sex with them at that time. A way of saying it doesn’t matter if we are disagreeing or at odds with each other, we will work on finding a solution and a way past the trouble. I’m a passionate person. I love full out and I argue full out. Both are me and it’s important to me to connect regardless of which side of the “full out” equation we happen to be on. If we hit an impasse in our disagreement it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be close to them. Touching in some way physically is very important to me at that time.

Sex, as well as being fun, exciting, hot and sweaty, is also healing for me.

Now, if there ever was a reason one of my men couldn’t be sexual with me or me with them, how would it affect things? I have to say, truthfully, I feel it would depend on if they/me had control of the reason. If, say, it was a medical reason, I firmly see us dealing with the no sex issue and finding something to replace it. If it was a matter of choice, like sexual interest had been lost or, worse, they were spending so much time with other partners there wasn’t anything left for me, then that would be a different story. Either of those instances would say to me that their feelings for me had changed in some way. At which point we would have to determine if it was due to lack of work or investment in the relationship or something on a more permanent basis. The answer would determine our course of action.

While I can be physically attracted to someone I do not love, I find romantic feelings for someone to go hand-in-hand with desire for them sexually. But all this is just me. How important is sex to each of you in your relationships?

Desires and Fears

Deliver me, O Jesus,

From the desire of being loved,

From the desire of being extolled,

From the desire of being honored,

From the desire of being praised,

From the desire of being preferred,

From the desire of being consulted,

From the desire of being approved,

From the desire of being popular,

From the fear of being humiliated,

From the fear of being despised,

From the fear of suffering rebuked,

From the fear of being calumniated,

From the fear of being forgotten,

From the fear of being wronged,

From the fear of being ridiculed,

From the fear of being suspected.

—-Mother Teresa, in “Mother Teresa, A Simple Path”

This prayer is associated with Mother Teresa, because it was a prayer she utilized regularly.

But, original version written by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), the secretary of the state for Pope Saint Puis X.

(btw; calumniate–To make maliciously or knowingly false statements about.)

Intentions

Once again, I’ve found something by someone else I would like to share.

I choose to walk the path of more love, of love as a manifestation of the Divine…with each breath, with each thought, with each word, with each step and with each action, I choose to live as the love I wish to be offered. I do this for myself, my beloved(s), my community and the world we all share with each other. “Walk joyfully upon the earth, seeing ‘that of God’ in everyone.”

© Copyright Tara Shakti-Ma 2010

What’s Been Happening

My life has been “just life” lately. Not that that is a bad thing. No major drama is nice for a change.

First, Gator and I have been able to spend some time together. That’s all we needed and I really knew that. After so long together, we have pretty much figured out what we need. Whether it is a quiet night at home, a romantic evening out, or doing something we’ve never done before. We can not, however, control his work schedule (that most definitely does not correspond with mine) and do not have the opportunities to do those things as soon as needed. We’ve learned to make plans and schedule things. And occasionally we get to the something spontaneous.

Gator had a complication that seemed to be related to the surgery he had in June (I posted about that then if you are interested). We spent a week nervous about what they would find with the test they scheduled. Thankfully, that turned out to be only something minor and was fixed.

I haven’t seen Tech much lately. He said we could go something last weekend but never finalized anything with me. We should see them this coming weekend. That means that within the last month I have only seen him once…when we all four had the chance to catch supper together unexpectedly. I’m not happy about that but I hope that can be improved upon during the next month.

I’ve decided that one’s children either do not call you or they only call when they need something.

The youngest and I signed the papers for a car for him. The next day, he lost his job. Two or three of them did but now I am really considering trying to find a part-time job of my own to help with his expenses. Gator and I have always resisted that in the past because we have such a hard time seeing each other sometimes due to his schedule that we didn’t want to risk reducing that. But the youngest hasn’t been able to find another job yet. And frankly, we cannot afford to pay for two households.

The oldest is still happy it seems. Granted, I was leery about him getting re-married so quickly but it seems to be working for them. I’m glad to see that. He’s a good father and, with this marriage, it looks like he has someone that will work with him and I hope to see exactly what a good husband I know he is capable of being. And seeing someone appreciate him is nice.

Out Of Sync

If Gator and I where performing an acrobatic act, it would be bad. We wouldn’t be able to manage anything that took timing.

We haven’t been arguing or anything but…things are not right. In anything we do. Talking, sex or spending quality time together.

We discussed it a little this morning and he said we were “out of sync”. Not long after that we had a prior commitment to fulfill and didn’t get back to this.

So, what exactly did he mean? If that’s how you want to describe things with us, I’d have to say that, although our lives are intertwined, it’s our whole lives that are a little out of sync.

We have been having so much going on. Youngest having his first semester in college, him getting a car (with payments we’ll have to make if he can’t), financial worries, work worries and still trouble between Gator and Kitten. Is it any wonder that we are a bit off?

These issues are not going anywhere. So, what are we to do? What is the key to allowing us to get “us” back and not let the ball drop on these other things? It requires time and effort and I’m not blessed with a lot of time with Gator and I’m so tired that effort seems impossible.

None of the issues have anything to do with being poly. Well, other than Gator is unhappy with how things are progressing with Kitten. Normally he is able to talk about his worries and fears and frustrations with me. He hasn’t been doing that because he says I’ve had enough on my plate to worry about. It truly sucks that he has not come to me. I understand why he hasn’t but it isn’t good.

Now, I know we will get past this, we always get past things.  But I really need the security of what we have at this moment.

My Football Woes (I’m Such An Odd Girl)

My football team lost their coach this week. Not nicely. The former coach left us in the a tight spot. I feel the athletic director hasn’t handled this situation well at all.

I’ve been irritated and anxious about who will replace him and what this all means for the football program’s future since it happened. Both Gator and Tech get a kick out of how involved I get about my team.

Well, we have a new coach as of a few hours ago and I’m not sure what I feel about him. His predecessor I was never sure of and he left after only one season. Do we have a contract that will hinder this coach from doing the same? Due to the violations performed by the coach that just left, did we have to settle for someone? Or is he really what we need? And why do I let it get to me?

Gator, Tech and I are fans of different teams. Both the teams they follow are the biggest rivals of my team. And we are all in the toughest conference around. We smack talk amongst ourselves in good fun. But the truth is, each of us is very loyal to our team and care about what happens. It’s just a bit odd that me, a girl, feels as strongly as they do.

Well, I’m telling myself that I need to sit back and see how things go before making up my mind. He does deserve a chance. And, at a glance, he appears to be a man of more integrity that the one who just left.

Maybe now my mood will improve somewhat.

UPDATE: I think he has made me buy into things. He really impressed me with his press conference. It will take a few years but, I think he will be able to make a difference.

Hinges and Arms

A thread on a poly forum I belong to made me stop and think. (Scary that.)

I’ve posted about difficult times I’ve had with Tech and how I don’t understand some of what has been going on. I think I do now.

We’ve always identified as a quad. I have problems with that lately and do not feel that is strictly true any more. We are more a set of v relationships. Take myself for example; I am a hinge for the relationship that involves Gator, Tech and myself. But I’m an arm in two other relationships…the one between Kitten, Tech and myself and the one between myself, Gator and Kitten.

These changes in our big quad relationship have caused changes in our smaller relationships. I think it has emphasized primary relationships in a way. Whereas Tech used to think of both Kitten and myself as wives, he now sees me as a girlfriend. And therein lies the limitations we’ve acquired in our relationship and the adjustments I had to make. And now that I’ve basically realized what has  been going on, and adjusted, things are going rather well for us.

I do not get involved really in the relationships Gator or Tech have with Kitten. Sure, she still affects some aspects of my relationships with them just by her behavior. However, I am getting better and better at either letting it go or venting and letting it go. And letting the guys decide what to hold her accountable on. Or what they want to address with her.

In my roles as a hinge and arms, I’ve learned how to balance each relationship as needed. For the most part I get things to work out just fine in the balance department these days.

Rearrangement, re-negotiations and such weren’t made consciously it seems. Each relationship sorta flowed that way. Mostly out of how Kitten deals with all of us. Which, technically, isn’t “fair” but how it has had to be in order to keep these relationships at all. And we are more interested in making sure we keep those relationships than having our ideal relationships. We’ve decided to this point that the adjustments are worth what we are keeping.

Polyamory in the News

Polyamory in the News.

Finally catching up and sharing some things with you in case you don’t subscribe.